Tuesday, February 21, 2006

No, really, it's funny...

The Darwin Awards "salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it. Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously."

Ah... schadenfreude. You gotta love it. We laugh, I guess, in proportion, to the level of misery bestowed upon others. The dumber the funnier. It's true "Death by Lava Lamp" is pretty hilarious. And then I think about Iraq, and for the life of me I can't figure out why I'm not rolling on the floor busting a gut. I mean, that should be funny as hell, right?

And the punchline? We elected these guys with, what, how many deferrments between them? We branded the other guy a coward because, even assuming all the Swiftboat charges were true, he wanted a medal or two so he could serve his country back home? Because he actually experienced the fog of war and might have -- I can't even imagine the pain he must live with every day -- killed a child? Like he wanted to do that!?!

We voted in the guy who knew nothing about war because he was certain. And the guy who knew enough to know he didn't know? We branded him a coward. That's funny as hell, huh? I'm laughing so hard I could cry.

The uber punchline? One of my closest friends, a law student, told me he thought it offputting that I got emotional about the war way back in 2003. The scary part is that he was right and I was wrong in practical terms. Howard Dean was branded a lunatic for expressing outrage during the last campaign. Now THAT is funny.

Are you laughing too?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Covered-Up and Politinotions have unearthed startling new information regarding the heretofore unexplained disappearance of the American Silent Majority. Obtained via court order under the Freedom of Information Act, the new tapes, recorded by the Bush Administration as part of the wire-tapping surveillance initiative, cast revealing light on on the Silent Majority's last known whereabouts. Sometime between September 11th 2001 and early March 2003, GPS triangulation pinpointed a conversation taking place somewhere over the Atantic Ocean:

Hello? Hellooo-oh? **Kathump** No, I'm over here! Not... **Kathump** not out there. This way! Inside. Hello? **Kathump** Can you hear me? Can you... **Kathump**... hear me now? Right by the... **Kathump** ... friggin aorta! **Kathump** No, not the bodega! **Kathump**Hello? Hello... **Kathump** .................
- Last Known Words of the Silent Majority.

Pundits hold out hope that the Silent Majority may be alive and well somewhere in an undisclosed location under care of a friendly foreign State.

While Administration officials refused comment on National Security grounds, an un-named former Hill staffer stated that the Silent Majority had been treated for an unspecified heart ailment well within accepted standards put in place under the Geneva Convention. "That heart was turning in clusters," the official stated. "We just got to it in time because the roots that were connecting it was under incredible incredible stress"