Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Rapture List?

aka "How Bill O'Reilly might be able to get me into heaven"

Back in November of 2005, just after the election, Bill O'Reilly invited terrorists to attack San Fransisco. Apparently he wasn't much pleased that the city had banned army recruiting in schools. On his radio show he blasted the city:

...if Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, were not going to do anything about it. Were going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco.

Interestingly and somewhat inscrutably, O'Reilly took exception to retorts from the "far left" anti-death movement that he ought not to invite wholesale destruction of entire city populations, including the 40 percent or so who had voted for the recruiting.

I'm glad the smear sites made a big deal out of it. Now we can all know who was with the anti-military internet crowd. Well post the names of all who support the smear merchants on

Now that got me really thinking. This was too good to be true. I just had to get on that list. So I wrote Bill...

Dear Bill,

I know I'm just an individual "smear merchant" who fancies truth, liberty, civil rights, human rights, peace, negotiation over sabre-rattling, responsibility in journalism and all that other retro-hippie "anti-American" stuff. It's not like I'm a whole city or an entire liberal blog or anything, so maybe I'm not worth your time. But sign me up too Bill.

Put me on the list because I'll sing it loud, I'll sing it proud and I want everyone to know it (and not just my fellow man if you know what I mean. If not, see below). Please? Please? Pretty please? Come on, Bill, you can do it. I know you can! Just Google me. I come up ..1. Or better yet. Here's my name: Raphie Frank. That's me. Yup. How hard can that be? Tell me you'll publish my name too?

Why so adamant about this?

Well, here's my thinking Bill. It's my own little special communique with the Great One (not Bush, and... no, no no, not you either! I'm talking about God here, Bill!). Now, look, I don't think He really wants us to go about upping the Rapture Index (see "There Is No Tomorrow" by Bill Moyers) to force Last Judgement on our asses. I don't think he much cottons to wars of choice, willful ignorance of the harm we're doing to this 'lil 'ol globe he put together for us in his spare time, that kind of thing. I don't think God really likes to have his hand forced on these kinds of end-of-the-world issues. Know what I mean?

BUT. Just in case I'm wrong and Judgement Day really does come sooner than later, what happens if I'm not on your list? I might have to convince 'ol Saint Pete or something that I should still be allowed through the Pearly Gates. Being that I'm an American and all that, Saint Pete might actually think I'm a pro-torture, pro-deception, "give to the rich and send the poor to the Astrodome or Iraq" bully without thought or concern for my fellow world citizens. I'll tell him, "oh, no, that wasn't me" but one might forgive him for not trusting an American these days... Or, even if he believes me, what if he says to me "Well, what did you do to stop it?" I'd hate not to have an answer for him or have to say "nothing," Because, Bill, see there's this little thing called COLLECTIVE GUILT. Maybe you heard a little something about that back after WWII?

But with just one small act of good will you, you Bill, can redeeem me. You and you alone. For I am sure that anyone on your list is on the sail-past-the-velevet-rope, do-not-pass-hell, go-straight-to-paradise guest list of Heaven. So when Pete asks me "What did you do?" I'll just pull out your list, call it the Rapture List, and he'll see my name and say, "Oh, okay. You're one of the smearful ones. Cool." and I'm pretty damn near certain he'll just wave me straight on in.

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! You got me. God knows EVERYTHING. And He'll get it right in the end. He'll know my heart and He'll read this post eventually even if you don't. But God's going to have his hands full at the End of Days and Peter ain't all-seeing God and I lived in Eastern Europe in the early '90's and, truth be told, I've really got this thing about standing in lines ever since. Still, think you could see your way to helping me out here?

Earnestly Yours,
Raphie Frank


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